The whole story
I love reading novels where every chapter is told from the perspective of a different character. The Help, The Poisonwood Bible, and The Joy Luck Club are all compelling examples of novels I’ve read that employ this narrative approach. It’s an approach to plot building that is particularly illustrative of all the perspectives that are required to tell a whole story. Considering a story in this way, from the perspective or point of view of multiple characters, is also a useful approach to gaining new insights into the experiences of our own lives. By looking at our own lives this way, we can tap into other versions of the story that also exist.
The stories we tell about our lives, even to ourselves, aren’t the whole story. As narrators of our own experiences, our perspective is limited. We don’t enjoy the perspective of an omniscient narrator–even of our own lives. The stories of our lives include the involvement of other key characters with internal desires, fears, and dilemmas. Believing we know the thoughts or motivations of others is an easy temptation to succumb to because we are meaning makers who want to make sense of the behaviors of and interactions with those around us. We like to believe we know why our colleague didn’t include us in the meeting, why our friend failed to answer a text, or even why the customer service isn’t as accommodating as we think it should be. But, the truth is, we usually construct stories based on our own histories, assumptions, and beliefs about ourselves.
In her 2019 Ted Talk, psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb, brilliantly explains how looking more carefully at your story can change your life. When the stories we tell are incomplete, misleading, or based on assumptions, rather than providing clarity, these stories can keep us stuck. It’s easy to see how our circumstances shape our stories, but what can be harder to see is how the way the stories we tell shape our lives.
In her practice, Gottlieb has discovered people tend to tell their stories with two key themes in mind: freedom and change. While we tend to believe, in general, that we have an enormous amount of freedom, when it comes to a current problem, we tend to narrate an experience of disempowerment. Suddenly, we feel trapped by our circumstances, our jobs, our families, or our past. But just like the guy in the illustration, being trapped might be an illusion. Often, we hesitate to free ourselves because we know—with freedom comes responsibility. If we take responsibility for our role in the story, we might have to be the one to change.
Change is hard. It requires loss, discomfort, fear, courage, and support. Coaching can help. Working with a coach who understands and normalizes the process of change, offers research-based strategies to manage transitions, as well as equal measures of support and challenge, can act as the impetus you need to change the narrative of the stories you’ve been telling that are holding you back.
Maybe it’s time to let go of the cherished, but limited, version of the story you've been telling yourself. What would happen if you looked at your story from another person's point of view? Coaching can help you tap into other versions of the story that also exist.
Together we can tell a story that’s more whole.
To watch Lori Gottlieb’s insightful Ted Talk, click here. The illustration is from her Ted Talk as well.
